


Kurapika's Gamer Rage

by Grapefruit Pussy (partyrockersinyourmom)



Series: HxH Crack Cinematic Universe [3]
Category: Hunter X Hunter, Minecraft (Video Game), Super Mario & Related Fandoms
Genre: Crack, Crack Crossover, Crack Relationships, Crack Treated Seriously, Crack and Angst, Dark Crack, F/M, Minecraft, Weddings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-21
Updated: 2021-02-21
Packaged: 2021-03-18 00:29:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,268
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29601087
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/partyrockersinyourmom/pseuds/Grapefruit%20Pussy
Summary: Gon, Killua, Leorio, and Kurapika play Minecraft Bedwars. This innocuous pastime takes a deadly turn when a mysterious player interferes with Kurapika's desire for vengeance.
Relationships: Luigi/Hisoka, Machi/Shitass
Series: HxH Crack Cinematic Universe [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2174772





	Kurapika's Gamer Rage

“Hey Killua, where’s the space bar?” Gon yelled across the computer lab. Killua sprang up from his chair to peer over Gon’s shoulder.  
“It’s the big one near the bottom, dummy!” he chided, pressing it for Gon before taking a seat again to focus on the game.  
“I got killed again,” Leorio muttered to no one in particular.  
The four boys sat opposite each other in a gray-ceilinged computer lab. On each computer screen, upon which they focused intently, was a blocky expanse populated by 16 players. The concept of the game they were playing was simple: destroy the beds of the other four-player teams and kill them before they could do the same to you. Alas, such a pastime meant to sustain fun and bonding among them generated incomprehensible rage.  
“What do you mean ‘ez’?!” Kurapika yelled, slamming his hands against the desk.  
“Kurapika, it’s just a game,” Leorio reached across the table to rest a hand on Kurapika’s shoulder. Kurapika jerked his body away, shooting a red-eyed glare in Leorio’s direction before directing his focus back at the screen.  
“Leorio’s right! If you aren’t having fun, there’s no point!” Gon reiterated, his trademark happy-go-lucky attitude saving the day once again.  
“You’re just saying that to ease the blow of losing. I swear to you, next game, we’ll win!” Kurapika’s resolve had bolstered, but the tension hadn’t eased. It hung in the air, unbearably heavy, but taut like a string nonetheless. That delicate balance threatened to give way to an avalanche at the slightest increase in animosity. 

“Okay, let’s queue for another game,” Killua stated, pretending to be oblivious to the ill mood among his fellow players.  
“Leorio, can you handle bed defense?” Gon asked. He had caught on quickly to the flow of the game, but still struggled with the controls, having grown up with little access to technology.  
“Yeah, just remember to get to the generators early,” the eldest of the four replied. Leorio was alright with a controller in his hands, but he had a tendency to fall into the void on the offensive front.  
“If you guys have that handled, Kurapika and I can rush bases,” Killua, the Minecraft veteran of the group, ordered. The blond was silent, his face hovering less than six inches from the screen.  
Usernames flashed across the screen in the lobby in which players congregated before the game. Most were as inconspicuous as could be, but another party of four caught Kurapika’s eye.  
“Hey, Kurta_Boi, I’m gonna fuck your mom!” typed into the game chat. Kurapika’s vision grew hazy from rage. His grip on the mouse grew tighter.  
“Maybe we should play a different game. How about SkyBlock?” Leorio hastily suggested. His words fell on deaf ears.  
“We need to win this game. I am going to kick Chrollo’s ass so hard he’ll shit Minecraft blocks I-R-L,” Kurapika growled in a low, barely audible tone.  
“Hey Gon, wanna team?” offered. Gon had forgotten how to pull up the chat, so he ignored Hisoka.  
“Guys, is Hisoka in the party? I don’t see him,” piped up.  
“No, I think he went rogue. Figures,” explained, “That means we’re stuck with a random player on our team.”  
“Hey, shouldn’t you guys be doing crime instead of playing Minecraft with us?” desperately goaded in a last-ditch attempt to stop Kurapika from becoming a Gamer™.  
“It’s bold of you to assume I am not hacking right now,” replied.  
“Coward!” accused.  
“You know what, I’ll turn mine off just so I can show you the real extent of my Minecraft skills. I encourage my team members to do the same. May the best team win.” relented. With that, the lobby had filled and the game began.  
“Goddamnit, we’ve got some dude named on our team. I bet he sucks,” remarked.  
“It’s fine, just head to the diamond generators and take out the adjacent teams while you’re at it. After that, we can take on and crew. It should be pretty easy; they’re noobs,” ordered. remained silent, ignoring his team members completely in the pursuit of materials. The trio did the same to him. 

“Kurapika, don’t be hasty. We don’t have good gear yet,” advised back at the base of the four boys.  
“Right, this needs to be calculated. I’ll defend the bed and Gon will get the generators, as planned,” agreed.  
“Kurapika, please just get the TNT and calm down,” begged.  
“We should probably look out for Hisoka. He’s at the base to our right,” warned.  
Seven minutes passed, and the team without any known players was eliminated without much of a battle. Kurapika and Killua both had diamond armor as well as control of both of their adjacent diamond generators. The Phantom Troupe’s team found themselves in similar circumstances. Gon was content with running to generators, fireballing enemy players, and learning the ropes of the game. Leorio was a bow camper. Hisoka’s bed was broken and his team was gone, but he evaded being slain by the Troupe. Nobody had seen him since the bed break. Tensions heightened between Kurapika’s team and Chrollo’s, as they were the only ones left with beds. 

“When are you piss babies gonna rush us? ;)” taunted. Gon glanced over at Kurapika. He was so focused on the game that he didn’t even notice. He felt a sense of foreboding upon seeing Kurapika’s angry, contorted face. Multiplayer Minecraft was not as fun and lighthearted as Killua had made it out to be.  
“We attack now,” Kurapika addressed Killua. “I'll hide at the base to the left, you go to the right and we’ll try a pincer attack. Gon, you’re welcome to come with as well.  
“Don’t you think we should be careful about Hisoka? He’s not dead yet,” Gon warned.  
“I don’t think he can do much harm to us with Leorio defending the bed like this,” Kurapika reasoned. With that, Gon and Killua set off for the base to the right and Kurapika went left, all in an attempt to catch the Troupe and Shitass off guard.  
Meanwhile, the Troupe planned an attack of their own, anticipating a reception to their taunt.  
“I imagine their base will be unguarded, given how eager they seem to attack us. We should take advantage of that and use invisibility to swoop in, break their bed, take their base for ourselves, and pick them off as they return.” planned.  
“Hey, shitass, can you defend our bed?” requested. The silent player nodded, knowing this task was made to keep him occupied and out of the way.  
“I think is already here. I’ll go out with Shitass and clash with him so he thinks we’re on the defensive. You two go and break their bed,” stated.  
Kurapika rushed across the bridge to Chrollo’s base, diamond sword blazing. His eyes throbbed with the color of blood, reflecting back at him on the computer screen.  
“I think he’s a bit too into this,” Leorio whispered to Killua. He nodded in agreement.  
“We are never playing this with him again. I just hope he doesn’t smash the computer,” Killua muttered.  
“You know I can hear you right?” Kurapika shouted across the computer lab.  
“Yeah, and I don’t care,” Killua snapped.  
While the guys argued, Hisoka jumped down from the top of his base and threw a diamond sword at Gon’s feet.  
“Let’s 1v1 at center,” challenged.  
“No thanks, I’m helping Kurapika win. I’ll duel you later,” Gon declined.  
“Too bad.” Hisoka proceeded to launch an onslaught of fireballs at both bridges, cutting Gon off from his escape routes.  
“That wasn’t very poggers of you,” Gon remarked, drawing his sword. Hisoka began to strafe, but due to the filmy layer of semen covering his keyboard, he couldn’t move very quickly. Still, Gon was no match for him because he was literally Amish and didn’t know how to game. was slain by flashed on the screen.  
“What?!” Kurapika cried.  
“It’s just a game. I can get some stuff and try again, anyway,” Gon reassured him.  
“I think it’s time for an intervention,” Leorio declared, hoisting Kurapika out of his chair and slinging him over a shoulder.  
“We have to beat Chrollo! Just listen to me!” Kurapika begged as he tried to kick Leorio in the balls with his short legs.  
“If you want us to play with you, you have to control your gamer rage.” With that, Leorio set him down.  
“Fine, I’ll suppress it if it means we can win,” Kurapika relented, setting his hands on the keys once again.  
“I’m going to take a detour so I don’t have to deal with Hisoka on my way to the Troupe’s base,” Gon informed the others. What he didn’t realize was that Hisoka was on his roof.  
“ is tougher than I anticipated. I guess it’s all up to shitass now,” Chrollo remarked as he got murdered.  
Bed Destroyed flashed across the screen in red lettering for the members of the Phantom Troupe. Kurapika cackled with delight like a villain in an old movie. His satisfaction turned to terror when Bed Destroyed appeared on his own screen. Hisoka jumped into the void after completing his task, knowing that he couldn’t ‘clutch’ the game, nor did he want to.  
Killua managed to slay Shizuku, who had returned to base after the bed had been broken, but fell into the void himself in the process. Machi got the drop on Gon, but Leorio shot her to death less than a second after her victory. It was 2v2 and all for nothing at that point. Leorio’s lack of close-range PvP skill left their team at a disadvantage, but Shitass didn’t seem to cooperate much with Chrollo anyway. Kurapika was inclined to run in, guns blazing, for there was no sense in delaying it, so he did.  
“Get rekt! Whose mom is getting fucked now? Not mine, because she’s dead and you killed her!” Kurapika sneered, blissfully unaware of how sad he sounded to his teammates. His frenzied mouse clicking and heavy Gamer™ breathing resounded through the computer lab. Gon and Killua exchanged a worried glance. Kurapika managed to kill Chrollo with half a heart to spare.  
“Nice job! We’ve essentially won!” Leorio cheered, “All we have to do now is hunt Shitass down and kill him!”

“It’s all up to you, Shitass.” Machi clenched her fist, basking in the futile hope and anxiety of Shitass’s unlikely odds.  
“He can’t do it,” Feitan, who had been watching the game unfold from behind Chrollo’s shoulder, stated.  
“I mean, is kind of a camper, so if Shitass can get in close he can probably take him out easily. It mostly comes down to ’s tactics against Shitass’s.” Shizuku rambled.  
“Don’t get ahead of yourself. The reason you haven’t seen much of Shitass this game is because he sucks,” Feitan continued. 

Kurapika crusaded across the sky bridges like a holy knight on a quest for justice. He couldn’t help but feel triumphant already. It was hardly a close match in his mind; his team had destroyed their opponents. Kurapika approached the Troupe’s base from their diamond generator. On the edge of the base stood Shitass, clad in diamond, lying idle in wait. It sent a chill through him, but he dismissed it as a baseless anxious thought.  
“Bye, lol,” typed in the chat from his sentry post above the bed. As if on cue, Kurapika rushed in. Shitass built upwards with the speed of a tempest. He jumped down behind Kurapika, garnering enough knockback to send him careening into the void.  
Kurapika resembled a shaken can of Mountain Dew. His trembling hands rattled the keyboard as well as the table it rested upon.  
“That’s enough Minecraft for you today. C’mon.” Killua pulled the chair away from the desk, hoping to save the computer and the people seated near it from Kurapika’s gamer wrath.  
As if sobered by this, Kurapika stated in as cheery a voice as he could muster, “No, I’m alright. I’m sure Leorio can handle it.”Although his tone was gentle, it was almost a threat, as if there would be hell to pay if he couldn’t find a way to pull it off.  
“Oh, so the pressure is all on me now? Super!” Leorio’s sarcasm ground against the group’s unstable morale.  
Shitass made his way towards the center island in no particular hurry. He didn’t even have his sword out as he approached the bridge to the only other occupied base. Leorio sent a flurry of arrows and fireballs alike at the crudely decorated minecraft avatar, but it was to no avail, for he survived or dodged every one and advanced. Shitass was nearly upon him, but Leorio had no room to surrender. He only had an iron sword and armor, but Shitass hovered around half health. It all came down to this, and with that in mind, he jumped down from his tower with the intent to get the first hit in. His pvp tactics were less than sufficient, so when Shitass circled around him and took advantage of the knockback mechanics, the prior achievements of the team were all for naught.  
“E-Z,” mocked. Shitass was silent, as usual.

“Well, that happened. Why don’t we take a break?” Leorio tried to divert the conversation before it had even begun.  
“Kurapika, do you need a moment?” Gon inquired, moving away from the computer to lean over Kurapika’s chair.  
“Don’t worry, I’m over it. I intend to kill Shitass in real life,” Kurapika reassured. The other three were so exasperated with the toxic gaming atmosphere that they agreed to help, if only to appease Kurapika. 

“Shitass! Yes! He did it!” Shizuku screamed, leaping up from her chair to bask in the glory of his comeback.  
“Wow, so he isn’t trash after all. Nice,” Feitan commented.  
“Poggers,” added Chrollo. Machi was silent, focusing more on her computer screen than on the victory celebration.  
“Hey Shitass, I love you,” she typed. Shitass approached her in the lobby and threw her a flower from his inventory. She understood immediately.  
“I’m holding a Minecraft wedding I-R-L in Meteor City tonight,” Machi wrote in the chat, “all are invited.”

“What do you know! The perfect opportunity has arisen!” Kurapika cried, leaning so far back in his gamer chair that it tipped over and yeeted him onto the tile floor. Killua tried his very best not to laugh, but the moment he met Leorio’s gaze, he lost it.  
“It isn’t funny, guys, cut it out!” Gon chided, although he was on the verge of laughter as well. Kurapika rose from the floor, eyes blazing crimson.  
“We need to get to Meteor City by tonight, but the fastest route we could take on the highway would take us two days,” Kurapika explained, “Any ideas?”  
“We could use the /tp command,” Leorio suggested.  
“How? Do you intend to pull up the command box yourself? Do it, I dare you,” Kurapika goaded, clearly unamused.  
“We could ask Shitass,” Gon offered.  
“That’s a horrible idea, we’d get placed directly in the enemy’s grasp--” Killua couldn’t even finish his thought before he was teleported to a barren expanse, upon which a group of people were erecting a wedding arch. Gon and Leorio soon appeared beside him.  
Shitass’s gaze was like the light of the sun, blazing down with the force of a star, yet benevolent all the same. He looked exactly like his Minecraft avatar, with blocky arms and a square head adorned with a smiling face. He was among the few men whose stature could rival Leorio’s. Despite his enigmatic nature, Leorio couldn’t help but feel a sense of comfort and warmth from looking at him. He’ll be married soon, I shouldn’t think about him like this, Leorio told himself. Kurapika was the last to be teleported-- perhaps Shitass had sensed his malice. He had but a moment to secure his bearings before Shitass fled out of sight. 

Phinks and Nobunaga were in charge of setting up the chairs because Machi bullied them into it. They were the first to spot Kurapika and crew.  
“Isn’t that the chain user? Should we, you know, fight him?” Nobunaga piped up.  
“Nah, a wedding is supposed to be peaceful. He can at least save it for the objections!” Phinks refuted.  
“Phinks, if you don’t shut the FUCK up, I’m taking away your Hallmark movie DVDs,” Nobunaga snapped.  
Upon the mention of his guilty pleasure, Phinks became irate, “Not so loud! I don’t even like them that much! Don’t you like yaoi, or something?”  
“No! Also, it’s not yaoi, it’s boys love, and it’s not gay to appreciate the bond between two men! Not that I like that stuff!” Nobunaga defended.  
“Sure.” 

Shizuku restrained Machi and held her still so Pakunoda could braid her hair. She tended to thrash like a worm on ecstasy whenever her hair was pulled, so this was completely necessary.  
“Hey, Pakunoda, aren’t you supposed to be dead?” Machi inquired.  
“Bro, this is literal crack fic, do you think we’re adhering to any sort of timeline? Your fiance is from fucking Minecraft, for fuck’s sake.” Pakunoda explained.  
“She has a point,” Shizuku agreed as Pakunoda wove the finishing touches into Machi’s bubblegum-colored hair. Machi slipped into her sleek white dress that was definitely stolen and slipped a cream-colored suit jacket over it. With that, she was ready to elope with Shitass.  
The sonorous notes of a church bell resounded across the desolate expanse of Meteor City. Where that bell came from originally was anyone’s guess, given the nature of the thief that would be wed in its echoes.  
Hisoka’s feet pounded against the sand, sinking in and sapping more of his energy away with every step. He was ever aware of the minutes that slipped away into the brutal wasteland, minutes he could not afford. Even a man of his strength and ability was no match for the sun’s paralyzing stare and the obdurate sand. Hisoka had been running since the Bedwars game ended, and every inch of his body was rigid and pulsing with pain. His limbs were unwieldy as if filled to the brim with rigid concrete. Still, he toiled onward, barely aware of the state of his deteriorating body. The passion and longing in his heart burned brighter than the cruel desert sun, so he trudged on in hopes of impeding a dream-shattering union.  
“I have no idea how to officiate a wedding,” Chrollo admitted in a defeated, blatant voice as he stood atop the makeshift altar. He proceeded to extend his arms and shake his hips as he did the Macarena right in front of Shitass and his bride. “Subscribe to my Twitch channel,” he urged.  
“Thanks for your profound words, Chrollo.” Machi shooed him away like she would a mangy dog as she said this. “Well, Shitass, my darling, it’s time.” The sound of weird-ass clown slippers came plodding up the aisle.  
“Wait! Fuck! Stop! No!” Hisoka managed to cry out in his exhausted state before he crashed to the ground, spilling the gigantic plate of spaghetti he was carrying.  
“If you’re here for our triweekly hatefuck, I’m not in the mood,” Chrollo spat, glaring at the collapsed clown.  
“Machi, please, don’t marry Shitass; he’s a hacker, I swear,” Hisoka croaked before face-planting into his homemade spaghetti, which he had brought for the potluck.  
“Hisoka, can you just be normal for one minute? I’m trying to enjoy an important moment in my life and you just waltzed in here, spaghetti sauce on your tiddies, being a stupid weird clown. When will you ever learn that nobody loves you?” Machi stomped over to Hisoka’s recumbent form and stole the tear-seasoned spaghetti and gave it to her soon-to-be husband.  
Shitass was so delighted with this gift that he popped a massive, square, 64 meter long boner and ripped Machi’s wedding dress apart in a barbaric display of passion. He swung his massive dick like a sword, killing everyone at the wedding except Hisoka, who evaded his strike by being on the ground, and Machi, whom he had spared deliberately. With one simple motion, Shitass had demolished Machi’s entire life as if punching a tower of cards. The tendrils of her dress, white, for purity, were soaked scarlet, a universal symbol of violence. The upended chairs clattered back down to the ground and landed with a dull thud beside the corpses of those that sat in them.  
“Shitass! My friends!” Machi cried, rushing to Chrollo’s side. He had been hewn in two at the waist and the rocky sand beneath him was turning crimson.  
“This can’t be happening. The troupe must survive! Don’t leave me!” Machi wrapped the remains of her wedding dress around Chrollo’s severed top half in a futile attempt to stop the bleeding.  
“Machi. You’re the last one left. But there are more nen users out there. Find them. Make the troupe strong again. I believe in you,” Chrollo choked out before the excruciating pain lulled him into a dreamless sleep from which he would never wake.  
“Chrollo… Shitass… Why? Why, Shitass? This was supposed to be the happiest day of my life. I loved you. I loved the Troupe. So, why?”  
Shitass did not answer. Instead, he brandished his boner and approached his scantily clad fiancee. Just before he dealt the final blow on his bloodied bride, he felt a million stabbing pains rain upon his back. Playing cards.  
“See? I told you this guy’s a hacker. Who on earth has meat like that other than me?” Hisoka tore off his pants with a single motion and readied his stance to duel. Hisoka’s impressive 20ft erect member was dwarfed by a rectangular monolith a whole stack of Minecraft blocks long. Still, the clown did not drop his cocky (ha) facade. He dodged and parried as if he weighed less than a tennis ball, bouncing everywhere but where Shitass wanted. Still, he could not land a single hit, as his cock was less than a third of the size of Shitass’s. Even someone as strong as Hisoka could not last forever against the legendary Shitass. He could feel his power waning every time the block dick grazed him. Those dull black eyes seemed to scrape the darkest reaches of Hisoka’s soul. His mortal soul, mortal like any other. No matter how strong and enigmatic he became, Hisoka was naught but a man. Yet, he refused to believe he was any less than invincible until his very final breath.  
Hisoka crashed to the ground, his every trick and gimmick exhausted and his skin speckled with wounds. He stared into the eyes of one of the only men to ever beat him and found nothing. Not mercy, not hatred, nothing but a silent condemnation of the arrogance that defined him. Rather than finish him, Shitass stepped aside, giving Hisoka a clear view of the woman he’d failed to court and failed again to rescue. His eyes involuntarily locked on her exposed shoulders. He felt as if a lightning storm was festering, coalescing at the base of his cock. Before he could muzzle it, he nutted with such a force that it sent him sailing backward. He did not have a chance to even think about righting himself before he hit the side of a gorge and plummeted into its unforgiving abyss.  
Machi had long since been in tears. Her kuu-dere veneer had shattered with her heart. “Even Hisoka, huh? You really can’t leave me anything in this world,” she muttered as she knelt beside the oasis of blood. “Before you reunite us, would you grant me the mercy of telling me why?”  
“I am drawn to arrogance and malice. It is my sworn duty to purge it from this world,” he explained in a deep, sonorous voice. He readied his cock to deal the final blow again, but once more was interrupted. Kurapika delivered a classic kick in the nuts with his slipper-sheathed foot, which killed Shitass instantly. His blocky body crumbled, leaving only two figures standing on a desolated, scarlet expanse. The sun was beginning to set, as if the very day was bleeding out too. Not a single cloud lingered overhead.  
“You’re the chain user, right? Why’d you let me live?” Machi asked, finagling Shitass’s decapitated head.  
“Hamburger, cheeseburger, big mac, whopper,” Kurapika explained while making wild hand gestures like Morshu from the CDI Zelda. He then took a lighter out of his robe and pulled down his pants. He stuck the lighter under his dick and aimed it at Machi. Flaming piss shot out of it like gasoline, lighting Machi’s blood-soaked dress, now just a shredded mass of fabric clinging limply to her figure, on fire, the living effigy of an obliterated Troupe.  
“Light ‘em up Kurapika! You go girl!” Leorio shouted. Kurapika pissed on all of the Troupe members’ bodies as well as Shitass’s. Smoke billowed up in the twilight desert sky and the blaze was like a beacon of hellfire at the edge of Meteor City.  
Satisfied with their revenge, Kurapika and company went home to play more Minecraft. Only one living soul remained to bear witness to the gruesome sight in a newly abandoned patch of desert. He crept on his tiptoes like a terrified child, jumping at everything in the half-dark. He lowered himself into the gorge, bracing himself against the cliff wall with his trusty vacuum. At the bottom of the crevasse, it was as pitch black as the ocean floor, as if he had stumbled into the buttcrack of God.  
“Mama-mia,” he muttered under his breath, etching out a pentagram in the sand.


End file.
